I suppose these stories are not quite as messy as the time I thought the bar of chocolate on my father’s dresser was really chocolate…..only to find out it was some kind of magic candy called “Ex-lax” that did something awful to you! Well, that’s one story I won’t forget or describe to readers.…
I guess my days of getting spanked outnumbered those of most kids. But on the other hand, I also had some days, weeks, and even months that were chained together with unbelievable bad luck. And I have to say that on a lot of those occasions I deserved the treatment I received.
My cousin Jimmy and I were always going off on adventures….talking about finding things like crabs (we invented a crab catcher) or leprechaun’s gold. As long as we came home shortly after my mother whistled—and with no evidence of wrong-doings, like dirty shoes—everything was “hunky- dory.” You could hear my mother’s whistle from a great distance; it seemed like miles at the time. And because we were always “starving” we were rarely late in answering the call and coming home.
One day, Jimmy said there was gold under a bridge at a golf course where his brother was a caddie— he said you could see the gold in the bottom of the stream just before sunset. He wanted to beat him to the gold so we ran and walked and ran to this golf course that afternoon.
When we got there, Jimmy said, “Come on, Tom…let’s get the gold. No one is around now.”
I said, “I don’t think that’s gold, it looks like the light is just shining off something that makes it look like gold.”
Then Jimmy yelled, as he tossed off his shoes, “Well, I guess that means more gold for me!”
So naturally I followed him in—and it only took a few moments to find out some kind of slime was all over the rocks and we were about to go FLYING. Next thing we knew our feet went up in the air and we were soaked and full of black slime mold! Just then, out of the thin line of sunset came “the whistle!” I looked at Jimmy, grabbed my socks, and ran home.
I thought I could sneak in, get cleaned up in the bathroom, and all would be fine because Mom was in the kitchen putting the last touches on a great dinner. We all sat down at the dining room table except for my sister Cindy who was still upstairs. Then, we heard sounds like a banshee screaming: “Mom, Mommm….someone left black slime on the floor from the front door up to Tommy’s bed room! “ That was Red Bottom Night #1—and of course I was warned never to come home that muddy again.
Things just kept getting worse in the “mud zone” for me. In a few days, Jimmy challenged me to run over a railroad bridge before a train would come. In those days there weren’t any electric trains running in our area, but of course trains were still pretty scary and dangerous. I told Jimmy he was crazy right before we started running over the bridge. When we got about half way across, we noticed that trains were coming from BOTH directions! The only way to save ourselves was to run back the way we came and climb over a fence that was next to a poultry farm.
That turned out to be the easy part. Because no sooner were we in the open yard, between the barns, than three HUGE Doberman pinschers stood there growling at us. We only hesitated for a moment and started to run, but the Dobermans wouldn’t let us escape. They were corralling us and only let us run in one direction. Soon there was nowhere to run except over these three or four foot hills that led back out of the farm. So we took that path and I yelled to Jimmy….”They’re not chasing us anymore!” It was almost as though they were smiling!
Jimmy just said, “Good, we’re safe now!” I noticed we seemed to be sinking rather deeply into the hills that appeared to be black with streaks of white. It was frustrating trying to pick my feet up and I said, “What kind of mud is this?” At about the same time Jimmy fell face first into the mud and stood up with a black muddy face and mud up to his elbows and cried, “This isn’t mud, it’s CHICKEN SHIT!” Oh no! I thought, I can’t go home like this. So we went to Jimmy’s house and got a very warm reception there…and then another intensely hot one at my home that night! I don’t remember ever getting spanked three times in one day by three different people—my mother, my father, and even my Uncle Alex, who decided to join in for good measure. That wasn’t so bad, but the warning that followed was very serious! “You will NEVER come home like this again or you will be sorry!”
About a week later the weather changed drastically and the river was almost frozen over. Jimmy came by and said he found a row boat in a creek not too far from my house. He said we could claim it because it wasn’t tied up and it didn’t have any name or identification on it. So we went down to the creek , but the bank leading down to the water was muddy. I told Jimmy that I was not getting in trouble again so if he wanted the boat he would have to get it himself.
The water was frozen with the boat stuck right in the middle. Jimmy looked at me in a puzzled kind of way, as I climbed a low tree by the bank to watch him go to work. By the time I was sitting on a branch, Jimmy was on top of the row boat and rocking it back and forth to loosen the grip the ice had on it. Well, I am not sure I can describe exactly the way it looked other than to direct you to the days when you watched cartoons…
… because all at once the boat came free and started to spin, with Jimmy yelling “Help me!” and running on top of the boat as it spun around and around. His face was contorted and he kept going faster and faster—until I laughed so hard I was almost crying!! And naturally I fell out of the tree and slid down the bank getting full of mud again! I know you may not believe this story—and you probably also have guessed my mom didn’t believe it either—but it was the truth as honest as a mildly muddy filthy fourth grade boy could tell it!
- It’s hard to tell when a Doberman is happy, but these three were positively gleeful after chasing us into the…uh, mud.
Tommy, You have a real gift for story telling. We were with you all the way, recalling the adventure of childhood and all the “near misses” Thank heavens for our parents that provided we show up with things like your mom’s whistle or a good spank…. Where did you grow up?
Beats the hell out of “Plants Vs. Zombies”, or “Angry Birds” for real boy-fun!
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